Dear customer:
I don't care if you just loaded your giftcard, its empty. I love how you come back for your goldcard entitled free ice tea refill...in your giant iced tumbler with no ice. Please for the love of god, all of you, do not reach over the counter for a splash stick, a straw or a sleeve.
Dear Starbucks,
Kiss my **** ****, you worthless pieces of ****. P.s, your coffee tastes like poop.
Dear store manager of mine,
Good sir, you are a complete ****. I love how you act like you are the nicest, most down-to earth kinda guy to all of the customers, but are a complete jerk to half of your employees. How anyone actually likes you is beyond me. You are a condescending, arrogant ****. You were so pleasant and nice during my interview and training, and have since showed me how much of an aloof tool bag you really are. I'm done trying to play nice and be humorous to break whatever stick up your **** you have about me. You are rude and insensitive when I have questions regarding protocol, you correct me in an overly-authoritative way like a strict parent would to a child, and you repeatedly seem to enjoy making me look like a complete **** clown in front of the rest of the employees. **** you, I know how to make coffee and do my job. I've been a barista before this POS job for 3.5 years. Just because I don't do everything EXACTLY how you want it, even though you never specifically TELL me how you want things run around here, doesn't give you the right to be a fat, **** piece of **** to me. I know I'm a kick-**** barista and everyone else seems to agree, so stop being such a tool to your newest employee, I don't deserve it. I refuse to let you decide my worth.
PS I'd refrain from eating the pastries you pair with coffee tastings. It's not helping your image as a guy who needs to lose about 50 lbs.
dear every 18 year old i have to work with,
your narcissism kills me. eight hour shifts feel like eight hours of an ice pick just attacking away at my brain. i can't stand hearing your voice tell me about your drama. i can't stand it that when i try to speak about a general subject, you interrupt me and find something to talk about that involves yourself. i hate that you spend more time looking at yourself in a mirror than doing actual work. worse yet, i hate that you tell people that you think i hate you. i don't hate you as a person . i hate working with you. you're useless. you're literally of no use on this earth. if you died we'd all be better off. then i could at least have a competent, tolerable coworker to take your place.
dear store manager of the store i'm temporarily working at,
i know you're only nice to me because i have a ****. i'm okay with that. your employees, however, are not. we all know you're a sham. we all know that you put on a show of being a high and mighty manager when really you're terribly insecure about every leader-esque decision you make. you're kind of a huge idiot. i hope you get over yourself.
dear flabby,
i hate you. i've never loathed a coworker as much as i despise you. everyone dislikes you; and even if we put our petty differences and disagreements aside, it kills me to know that you're so lazy. that you make your partners do all the work while you sit on your fat "vegetarian" **** in the back playing on your phone. it's pathetic that you even feel that you deserve my respect, lest anyone elses. you haven't earned it from anyone and you NEVER will. and i swear, when you get fired, it'll be the greatest christmas gift i could ever receive.
Dearest manager,
I don't care about your homelife drama....of which I'm sure about half of is not real.
Dearest Sunday Regular,
No I will not bring your two drinks and ridiculous amounts of food to your table. Yes, your drinks are now cold because I called them out 6 times and you finally came over to see why no one brought them to you. I AM NOT A FUNKING WAITER!! If you treated us nicely, we might occasionally bring your crap to you, because really, when regular customers are nice and we are slow, I am okay with doing this. It's because you act entitled that you don't get crap from me. Oh and btw- no, your drink is not decaf because you did not order it that way. I normally have a conscious and would have been honest with you- but you, sir, are an a$$. So you, sir, got caffeine.
Love, Your Least Favorite Barista
Dear men,
I don't care about how much you like "tall blondes". I'm 5'0 and a brunette. Also your joke isn't funy.
Dear customer,
You are on your phone every time you come in, wear your sunglasses inside, and brush me off when I ask what size your drink is. Don't yell a ME when I give you a grande, you pay, an THEN make a fuss about "why is it so much? I wanted a tall, I'm here every day!!" I tried, and as far a I'm concerned you haven't given me any reason to remember your face out of the several hundred I see in a day.
Dear customer,
The reason you don't recognize me in street clothes and makeup on my day off is because I don't want to be recognized and I'm not trying to impress anyone. No, I do not work every day, I know I'm pretty and I don't wanna meet your son. Good day.
Dear coworkers
how come nobody conveniently has child care on the weekends I think I need to start being home so I can take care of my cat on weekends so I don't have to work them either
Dear Corporate,
*uck you with your stupid names on the cups. And your stupid changes you make every month just to make our life even more miserable than it is now. QASA walk, names on the cups, frappuccino happy hours, one-frap-in-one-pitcher? Are you serious?
You want to provide fast service, so why the hell are you doing everything to slow it down? Get your lazy **** off the chairs and try to work in the store, just for a week, making all the things you force us to do. Maybe then you'll realise how stupid your decisions are!
Dear Regulars,
I know you get the royal treatment at our store, and for the most part I even enjoy going the extra mile for you guys because you're nice to us. But when you come in and make comments about how you dissed the baristas at another location because they didn't give you the same perks we do, my respect for you plummets. I'd rather not know that at other stores you're THAT customer that goes on about how "at MYYYY Starbucks they do XYZ." It just ruins everything.
Dear "Comedian,"
Just stop. It wasn't funny the first time you tried to get a laugh by demanding chicken wings and a Coke. But every single day? Really? And you sit around the store for hours - what do you even do with yourself when you're not pestering us? Get a life!
Dear Inventor of the Frappuccino,
Go sit on a rusty spike and SPIN, BxTCH, SPIN!
@caffeinehigh - yours is exactly what I want to say!
Dear Creepy Old Man Who Calls Me "Red" ,
I have a name and it's not a color. Please do not hit on me anymore, you are old enough to be my grandfather and you make me severely uncomfortable.
Dear 17XXXXX,
I'm tired of hearing you talk about 5 different guys in one day. I'm sorry the customer you started dating is old enough to be your dad, but really, your drama is getting old. You kiss butt and that's the only way you've made it in this store. No one likes you and we all just pretend to. So no, I will not cover your shift when you are "sick" so you can go out.. I have a life too.
Dear Unibrow Shift,
Really, you can't do anything about that?
Dear co-worker,
Yeah, you were an a$$ when I first started, but you grew on me like a fungus. You're not half bad now. But why didn't you take that job offer? It payed more, you're MY age, and you're always complaining about how much our pay sucks.
Dear customer,
You come up to me and say "he knows what I want." Well, I don't and I'm the one at the register. That uuber nice bar barista starts making your "usual" while I'm trying to figure out what your drink is. By the time I'm done with you, your drink is made and the label maker just printed out the label for YOUR drink. The bar barista then ends up making another one. Wasteful. Just be **** polite and say whatever ridiculous piece of crap drink you get. If you're too ashamed to say you get a single shot venti half pump skinny mocha with extra whip cream, then maybe you should grow a pair of nuts and order something other than frou frou coffee, SIR.
Man up.
Dear old idiot blonde woman,
You are at least 60 and it's not cute to talk like a 5 year old. Use your words!!
Dear bank guy,
I am so glad you are leaving. It's not cool to hang around wanting a hug from all or some of us. It's creepy and you need to stay out of my personal bubble or you're going to get punched. Oh and your jokes sock as much as you think your life does.
Dear very pregnant woman,
Two trenta 12p WM, breve, iced coffees a day is not good for the baby! If I could decaf you, I would.
Dear Corporate,
I hate you. You pay us the bare minimum and have probably never worked a day of retail in your life. You don't know the sh!t we deal with. You are the problem. Sure our benefits are good...if you use them. Too bad I don't make enough money to pay my bills, insurance, and put money in my 41k.
Howard,
**** you. I get great pleasure using your book/face as a door stop/football/cat scratching post/bug killer.
Dear C****** with the NYC accent,
I really think you're a creepy fvcker the way you follow N***
a) to and from the dumpster when she dumps trash,
b) all over the store whenever she's out from behind the counter.
c) TO THE GODDAMNED BATHROOMS AS SHE CLEANS THEM.
You're like 65 dude, seriously wtf.
Dear regular banjo player,
I didn't realize you drove. You were totally baked the other day. And you drove. That's **** up. You're going to get caught one of these days.
Dear Howard Schultz,
You should pay your employees more. And,yes, I understand that Starbucks has kind of gotten out of control and become the pseudo-equivalent of a coffee McDonalds, just too pretentious to have a dollar menu...... That doesn't mean you can't pay the shifts or ASM's more money.
Maybe, if you did, you would attract more quality employees like I have at my store.
And more quality employees means more employees who care about quality control across the USA.
Which means that between St. Augustine, FL, Bar Harbour, MN and Joshua Tree, CA, people are going to get the same thing.
Or maybe I just drank too much tonight.
Dear Grande Coffee with 6 pumps of hazelnut and a little cream Guy,
Your truck is **** loud. Like, really, really loud. I have turned into the milk foaming equivalent of one of Pavlov's dogs because you, Sir, have trained me to repeat your order and say drive around and then immediately **** the headset off of my head to avoid being deafened by your truck as you turn it over to pull forward.
I know that you can't help that. But could you at least have the decency to say "Hey, might wanna cover your ears, this is gonna be loud." But you don't. So you get decaf tomorrow. Enjoy.
Dear Pastry Delivery People,
Y'all get paid more than I do, why do I have to put away the pastries that you deliver 5 minutes before I'm supposed to clock out at the end of the night? I know it's "Starbucks' policy" and all but fcuk you for getting paid for work that I'm doing for you. You put them all right in front of the freezer, why not just toss em inside?
Dear hillbillies,
Why did like 4 of you come in at different times tonight and order lattes made with bravey.....
Where is the a in that word....
Ps, save your money for a toothbrush instead.
Dear severely overweight customers who bring in their overweight young children,
Please stop buying your underage children venti frappucinos with extra caramel, whipped cream and a sausage sandwich. And when I suggest a caffeine free option for the youngster, don't give me attitude like I'm the as.shole here. Youre killing your kid! For the love of Oden, put the junk food down Jabba, and walk both your as.ses home to try and burn off the 5000 calories you just let your 9 yr old consume. When theyre getting gastric bypass surgery at 23 years old, know that its a result of your parental abuse and horrible example- don't blame starbucks.
Dear pregnant barista,
Stop giving everyone major f'ing attitude and get over yourself. If you can't do this job, don't work here anymore. I am SO OVER your complaining and entitled attitude. What, because you're having a baby it means you get to disrespect everyone but your fav SS who let's you take 45 min breaks and leave whenever you want? F that! If you choose to open every single morning, DEAL WITH IT! I dont know why everyone sweats you so hard and loves your "sarcastic" sense of humor, but I'm NOT intimidated by you. B.itch, I have 2 very young kids and still manage to get there at 4:30am with a smile on my face, AND I have the maturity and human decency to stare into your deadpan glazed over eyes on that sour puss of yours and greet you with a pleasant "good morning". Ignore me again and I will slash your tires.
Just because of that.^
Dear pregnant barista,
I'm so glad that even though sometimes you have to run off the floor to pee, you're otherwise awesome. I know this isn't your first child, but you could still milk being pregnant (no pun intended), and you don't. You do everything asked of you, and refuse help when I ask if you want help with the preclosing. You're awesome.
Oh yeah, and thank you so much for reading my mind. That **** needed decaffing.
Here I go again:
Dear 90% of our customers,
Please STOP telling me your entire drink order before telling me what size. You act as if here's no menu with size guidelines and prices. As if we would sell one drink in one size. "I want a caramel frappucino" means NOTHING to me unless I know what size cup to write it on. And by the way, there's no such thing as a "regular sized coffee of the day". WTF is this, Starbucks Diner? Also, saying "skim" makes me want to hop into my time machine and stop by 1992 so I can give you a heads up that in 20 yrs it will be known as a NONFAT or SKINNY latte.
Dear customers who insist on having 1% milk:
I loathe you.
Dear stupid **** customer who wants a soy topper,
Sorry you stupid ****, but we are actually supposed to charge for soy at starbucks. sorry that no one else charges you, but i'm going to. because it's the rules. so either get a **** card and register it, earn rewards, and get free soy or stop being a cheap **** and pay a extra 60 cents for soy.
don't ****+complain at me for following policy & DON'T tell me how to do my job.
p.s i hope you enjoyed the wad of spit and the re-steamed soy that had been sitting in the pitcher for who knows how long
PEACE.
Dear corporate,
Thanks so much for firing my friend from supervisory position for forgetting to write down a till drop bag number in the cash management log. Even though those get ripped open and destroyed the very next day, and provide only a facade of security in the cash handling process.
You guys sure know how to keep our spirits up; between refusing to staff us to the level that we *need* to provide consistent service, switching items from our daily to our weekly order without prior notification, and not paying anywhere near a living wage for the area that we live in...yeah. You guys must really feel our pain here on the front lines, don't you? When you show up at our stores, showing off your rolex submariner.
And while I'm at it, thanks for propagating the myth that being a barista is a lifelong career. Thanks for paying supervisors .60 cents more per hour than a barista and saddling them with management-level responsibilities.
Finally, thank you for treating me with smiles and optimism in the beginning, and then gradually, over the past few years, revealing that reptilian skin lurking just beneath the surface.
THANK YOU, CORPORATE!
****!!!
Dear stupid customer,
You ordered a macchiato. I asked specifically "caramel or traditional espresso macchiato?". You asked what a traditional one was. I said "it's espresso with a dollop *insert spoon scooping motion* of foam on top".
You agreed that's what you want. I asked how many shots of espresso? You said 2.
When your drink came up, you looked disgusted at how small it was. You fought with my bar barista, who should have thrown it at you, but instead said "no problem dear, what do you want?".
You ended up with a caramel macchiato. It probably wasn't decaf because even after 6 years this guy still loves his job. And he gladly remade it for you.
****, you got what you asked for! It's not our problem you're a stupid hooker! Did you not see that line out the door? Do you honestly think you're the only customer when it's standing room only? You stupid cow, how 'bout you **** listen next time?
You know what? Just get a ****' frappuccino like all the other stupid non-coffee drinkin' a-holes that come in here.
Dear motherf***er Howard,
I hate you ****...I hate you ever since a Starbucks was chosen to open in OUR UNIVERSITY LIBRARY!!! You ****, son of ****, who opens a Starbucks in library. Thanks for ruining my study time...
Dear Barista X (Not my partner: thank God!)
I don't know what the fcuk is wrong with you and as to why you are always so bi**chy! In fact you are well known as b*itch in our school. I don't like how you introduce yourself as "What? What you want?". I also don't like how you make espresso solo instead of coffee and say "May be next time I will make it right". You know what I work at Starsucks too and I understand that sometimes its too much stress, but you don't have to ALWAYS act like a jerk, and if you really hate your job, please do your self a favour....Quit NOW...
Dear customers:
I don't understand as to why some of you would come to Starsucks to get cold water without feeling cheap!!! I also don't understand as to why would you whine about being broke and how you are spending too much money on *us*...Well guess I don't give a damn ****...if you really want to save money, DON'T COME TO STARBUCKS EVERY SINGLE DAY you idiot! Why don't you just go to Macs and get those sh*tty latte for a dollar-something from their machine, or better yer Why don't you just drink coffee at home?
Dear Customer #1
Yes, you, the one with the blonde hair worn in a knot on the top of your head. You come in EVERY day during afternoon rush and always want to know what breakfast sandwiches we have. WHY??? You too lazy to get up in the morning? Obviously you are because you look like you never shower! I have lied to you about being out of sandwiches because I am the only one behind the register, I have no floater, and I do not feel like looking for any sandwiches.
Dear Customer #2
I am new. Stop coming into the store with the pissy look on your face ordering an iced latte with soy, seven pumps vanilla and seven pumps hazelnut. You rattle the order off so fast that I just want to grab you, pull you over the counter and force you to ring in your own drink, then make it.
Dear Customer #3
Yes, you, old fat man. DO NOT come in the store, buy a bag of coffee and DEMAND a free cup of coffee. NOT ONCE DID YOU MENTION YOU HAD A GOLD CARD! Going to your beat up pick up truck and grabbing your iPhone and then shoving it in my face to show me the starbucks web site makes you look like the old fat **** that you are.
Dear Howard, you are the Big F... ing Daddy and i am forever your bottom b...tch.
Dear Crazy Smoothie Woman,
Knowing my name does not make us friends. I do not like talking to you.
Sincerely,
There is a reason I respond with one word answers. Take a hint.
Dear Shift Supervisors,
Please don't complain that you have to close. I know it's really hard, but I swear YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT!
Sincerely,
Shift Supervisor who closes 5 nights a week.
Dear Most Shi*t Supervisors at my store,
I would like to have one weekend day off.....for once in my life. I know weekends are the WORST but I swear YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT!!!!
Sincerely,
You're an idiot
^ they call you in on your days off?
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