This was a post in another thread, but I decided to make a separate thread for it as a compendium of useful tips for those who are quitting, or expect to be fired soon. Some are simply to get back at the customers, some work great for annoying partners, or an SM that drives you up the wall across the ceiling back across the floor and up the wall again. If you like you can offer some of your own useful tips/success stories and I will add them to the list. It will make a great reference guide for partners who want to truly leave their mark on the store they simply adored working for. So, without further ado:
1) Decaf EVERYONE. This is easier than it sounds, if you are opening put decaf in all the espresso machines. If you have a container where you put unused beans at the end of the night (one labeled decaf and the other labeled regular), fill them up enough that they will be used for several days, make sure they are both filled with decaf. If you have to open a five pound bullet of regular espresso, empty it and fill it with decaf espresso to make absolutely sure everyone gets decaffed. Do this with pike place as well, so that they will get decaf pike place, you can even do this with five pound bags of bold. So as not to throw out stuff, just wait until a five pound bullet is empty, instead of throwing it away fill it with decaf pike place or decaf espresso roast.
2) Make all the CBB with vanilla bean powder.
3) Make all the coffee bases light.
4) Give all the nonfat people whole milk/heavy cream/breve. The breve people get heavy cream or nonfat.
5) Make the iced coffee with decaf pike place, this is easier than it sounds at first.
6) If you close set all the timers for when the opener will arrive, and hide them in the most difficult places. Inside the empty containers for the white mocha and chai are always good choices. In the oven is another excellent idea. Avoid any place that they would think to look quickly, program them to all go off at once so they have trouble pinpointing the sound until all the timers are done beeping, then they will have to go on a scavenger hunt.
7) Hide little sticky notes with ridiculous messages under tables/chairs/behind the counter/etc.
8)Move the condiment counter into the bathrooms and put the comfy chairs their instead.
9) Fill all the carafes with Heavy Whipping Cream.
10) If you close leave all the chairs up on the tables overnight.
11) If you have a patio arrange all the furniture inside.
12) If your backroom is small and you just got an order in, make a huge wall of boxes to stop them from getting to the backroom, this is especially effective if they have to remove the wall to get to the alarm in the morning.
13) Make a barricade with the trash cans to prevent them from getting behind the counter. Also leave them without any bags in them.
14) Stock the entire fridge with nothing but whole milk.
15) Make all milk extra extra hot and burn it. If they order it extra hot, give them 120-140 degress.
16) Insist on remaking every drink that their is a complaint about personally, and do everything in your power to make it the opposite of what they wanted, all with the biggest Starbucks smile.
17) Tell all the customers who come in in a conspiratorial voice that Starbucks is going down the drain and that they should take their patronage to Dunkin/Tim Hortons/etc. You work at Starbucks, you know how much we suck, you can be VERY convincing.
18) Tell the customers you are out of everything, banana's, coffee, americano's, espresso, just do it a lot, see how much you can get away with it, gauge their intelligence level. If they are stupid just claim to be out of everything they want. If they are an ****, tell them we have it and then make it as wrong as possible. Give them dead shots (they should already be decaf if you followed step 1) nonfat if they want whole, heavy cream if they want nonfat, regular if they want sugar free, sugar free if they want regular, classic if they want any artificial sweetener such as splenda etc.). Just go wild, and be creative.
19)Put the menu boards upside down.
20) Put all the wrong tags in the case. And I don't just mean switch them around, I mean all the tags in the case should be for items that you don't even have in stock.
21) Fill all of the caramel bottles with every last drop you have in the store, then leave them in the fridge overnight, this will make them pretty much impossible to pour. If you can't use up all the caramel sauce packages you have, then just toss those in the fridge as well.
22) Hide the syrup bottles all over the store.
23) If you really want to be a **** take a whole jar of white mocha and spill it all over the lobby, then take all important dishes that would be needed the next day and scatter them, unwashed on top of the white mocha. For good measure finish by tossing yet another jar of white mocha all over them. You might want to avoid this step because you might get in legal trouble in this particular case, since you threw away all the perfectly bad white mocha. If you feel this way, just do the same steps except with buckets of dirty sink water instead of white mocha.
24) Call and ask for 10 coffee travelers in the middle of rush, don't get off the **** phone for anything demand they be ready as soon as is humanly possible, send a friend in to pick them up (someone no one at the store knows) and have them make a scene about them not being ready (they won't be) then have him storm angrily out of the store shouting about how annoyed he is. This is especially effective if you let them get more than halfway through first, then act like they said they could have them ready before they said they could have them. For extra effect, make sure all the traveler cases are hidden in cupboards all over the place before you do this.
25) If you are the shift do not clean anything, and I mean anything. If you are feeling really vindictive cover a rag in dirty sink-water and just rub it all over everything, including the walls. If you really hate your manager do this and then have a friend call the DM next day and complain about going to the store and it being really filthy. Try to do this early enough that the SM will not be able to clean it before the DM arrives. This is especially effective if you hide all the rags and cleaning products in the hardest to find places, or simply toss them in the trash.
Overall, just be creative, it's your store so have fun with it!
If you don't hate your partners skip steps 6-14, and 19-25.
If you like your partners but just hate your SM, then only skip steps 6-14 and 19-24.
If you like your partners and hate your SM, and the SM is opening the next day with someone you don't like, just follow all the steps and don't come back in.
If you are just a barista bribe a shift to go along with you, find someone who thinks they are being fired too, or who just wants to get out of that place. If you are the shift get another barista to quit with you. Some of these steps need a conspirator but plenty of them can be done without one. Good luck!